Inspirational quotes. They’ve infiltrated every aspect of our lives. Not a single guidance counselor’s office can be found without one plastered on a poster and tacked to the wall. One can be found hanging in the bathroom at my dentist’s office—true story. Now, I’m no motivation hater; the power of positive thinking is where it’s at! But sub-par days are inevitable. When they come around, every scenic mountain poster with a quote from Maya Angelou or Dr. Seuss is destined to be found offensive. At that point, our only options are to continue being broody brats or humor ourselves. Here’s to our inner snark. Cheers!
1. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE GONE TERRIBLY WRONG.
Unless the somebody you want to be is one of the following: Freddy Kruger, that one guy who always has to pee twenty minutes into the road trip, or the owner of 73 cats. Nobody wants you to be those people.
2. HELLO, INSOMNIA. WANNA BE BESTIES?
This one is actually pretty freaking scary. Last night, I dreamed an eight-foot-tall tarantula named Gary lived in my closet and demanded I give him all my Snack Packs. You’ll be SERIOUSLY missed, chocolate pudding cups.
3. Please, don’t tempt me.
I could list five people on any given day I would gladly help push…into a pool or over a cliff. But that’s just me.
4. YOU KNOW MY DREAM? NOT TO SUFFER UTTER MORTIFICATION.
I see chaos everywhere. The mind can be a nonsensical place. People would be locked up left and right! Isn’t overcrowding already an issue in prison?
5. I’M NOT AS CONCERNED WITH THE QUOTE AS I AM THE ACTUAL PICTURE HERE.
Perhaps don’t ponder your defeats standing on a cliff’s edge. DISCLAIMER: Those who wish to attempt paragliding should always consider their single and final defeats as one and the same.
6. COLLEGE MAKES WAY MORE SENSE NOW.
That explains how I ended up here… Note to self: Tequila equals bad decisions. Got it.
7. JUST KIDDING. HAVE YOU HEARD OF STUDENT LOAN DEBT?
In all fairness, I’ll reflect back on this once my 401(k) kicks in and probably feel differently. I should have my education paid back by then, right?
8. UNLESS THERE’S A LOT…
Wait, just don’t even read that quote. This is the equivalent to ‘eating your feelings’. If problems are stacking up on your plate, morbid obesity is one problem you can do without.
9. SURE, KEEP GOING…AROUND IN CIRCLES.
How am I supposed to achieve success this way? All the progress I make will either be erased after 12 hours or halt the minute my battery dies. Maybe I’ll get a dog and we can both chase our tails in a circle.
10. DO SOCK PUPPETS COUNT AS FRIENDS?
And if you’re painfully introverted, incredibly shy, or simply detest people in general? Well, best of luck. You’ll need it.
11. IT’S A PROVEN FACT (I’M SURE STATISTICS ARE OUT THERE):
This motivational poster is the leading cause of every college experience that was supposed to be epic but ended in disaster.
12. NOT FEELING THE ENCOURAGEMENT HERE…
So you’re saying even if I give it my all, I’ll still just be mediocre at best? A bit harsh, maybe.
13. Unless you get a tattoo on your face. Now you’re a failure. Probably one with a bruised ego.
Trust me. There’s no coming back after that.
14. I USED TO THINK THIS WAY. THEN I PULLED A HAMMY.
Ever pulled a hammy? “Good mood” wasn’t even in the top 100 adjectives to describe my demeanor. I scared the lady next to me at the gym so bad, her great-grandchildren will need a lifetime prescription of Xanax.